Supporting Healthy Identity Development

If you’re a teenager, you’ve probably contemplated the aforementioned question along with “Who am I not and what shouldn’t I do?” for good measure. Parents might be asking their teenagers, “who do they think they are and why didn’t they ask me first?”

Adolescence is a very acute experience and each individual will have their own unique experience with it. It is a parent's priority to keep their child healthy and safe just as it is the teenager's priority to test the boundaries and ask questions for days.

Adolescence marks the beginning of an end. Teenagers are experiencing physical changes in their body, cognitive changes in their abilities, and emotional changes thanks to hormones. It is also during this time that an individual begins to explore who they are, how they feel, and why that might be different from someone else.

Identity

Identity is defined as “the fact of being who or what a person or thing is”. Thanks, dictionary.com. Another way to think about identity is how you see yourself in relation to others. What qualities do you have and how do they compare and contrast to others? What makes you unique? How do you think others would describe you? Do you believe them?

Consider the following, very general scenario: Maybe you’re not used to interacting in large groups. Maybe you have tried interacting in large groups but found it to be positively awful. This might lead you to believe that you are shy or introverted. Then one day you find yourself in a conversation that starts out small, between you and a friend. A few peers overhear the conversation and ask if they can join in. Before you know it, the conversation is between you and 5 other people and you’re not freaking out. Does this mean you’re not shy? Chances are you still identify as someone who is shy and introverted, but you’ve had a new experience where you didn’t feel the way you thought you would.

Allowing yourself to experience something new gives you an opportunity to be positively sure you’re still an introvert or that perhaps you only feel introverted in certain situations. New experiences can inform you of how you want to act in the future.

Why is self-identity so important to teens?

Without taking you on a deep dive into anatomy, psychology, and neuroscience I’ll simply state that adolescence is the time between the onset of puberty and the beginning of adulthood. The brain and body continue to grow and change until we’re about 25 years old. During this time, it's normal to consider our relationship with things we like and don't like, to associate with things we have an affinity toward, to model our behavior in a way that projects how we want others to see or notice us. Everything from the clothes we wear, the music we listen to, or the games we like to play becomes like an extension of who we think we are. And for even more fun, these associations and interests can change at any time. Identity is not fixed or static, meaning it changes over time.

As you consider what to wear, what friends you’ll associate with, or what activities you’ll participate in, try asking yourself some grounding questions like: “Is this kind?” or “Is this safe?” Self-respect is the act of caring for (and about) who you are, even in the face of adversity or resistance.

Parent's role in healthy identity-building

The best thing parents can do for the teens in their life is talk with them. Make yourself approachable by showing interest in what they have to say. Try to refrain from offering solutions to their problems. Instead, ask them what they think they’ll do. Help them feel competent and confident by letting them know that you see the things they are getting right, too. Practice being an active listener. Ask yourself, “Is my opinion helpful or necessary right now?” This doesn’t mean that you’ll never have to take control of the conversation or need to step in with correcting information, but giving teens the time and space to figure things out on their own will let them know that you believe they are capable of being the excellent person they are.

Ted Talk about it:

Drink some coffee and watch about it: